I am afraid that somehow I won't measure up, that my art won't be worth anything, and that because my art is so connected with my self, is such a part of me, that any reflection of my art (or lack thereof) is a reflection on me. We are reading a book for my scary art evaluation class (Mid-Program Review) entitled "Art & Fear", about just such kinds of feelings and how to overcome them... but somehow seeing them written down on paper, knowing others encounter these same feelings all the time, rather than make me feel better, makes them feel so much more real and that much scarier. Because those feelings will be a constant struggle for me as an artist, as they are for any person who has decided to make their craft a part of their identity, I know that they are not just something I imagine in my head that I can just as easily imagine away; they are real and must be faced and dealt with.
I have to know, by the end of this semester, why I make art, what kind of art I make and why I make it that way, how my life experiences have led to that; I must have a "body of work", more than just school projects, that have a cohesive theme; I must have researched grad schools and artists and art history and current graphic designers and be able to talk about them intelligently; I must be able, in one single interview, to impress my professors, explain myself and my art, intelligently discuss the current art world, and be told whether I will be able to "make it" as an artist or not. It's more than passing a class, though to anyone who is not in the art field it may seem just like a bunch of assignments not nearly as hard as writing research papers or solving equations... but let me tell you, when so much self-evaluation is required and you are judged based on that, it can be very intimidating.
I feel like I am at a place where I am realizing that "art major" is not so open-ended as it once was. Coming into college, I had no idea where this field would take me; there were so many possibilities, from owning my own business to working for the top corporate ad agency in Nashville or New York, to making show pieces for a tiny little gallery somewhere... the possibilities were endless. Art was still something I did for fun, "artist" merely a word that would describe my identity maybe one day in the future, after I had everything figured out... but that "future" is drawing closer and I certainly don't have everything figured out. My life is starting to take shape in front of me, I'm starting to see pieces of what it will really look like, and as excited as I am about this life that I never pictured, it's scary at the same time.
It's scary to know that rather than simply doing my job well, sitting behind a desk or making phone calls or whatever I could be doing, I will be putting myself out there, showing the world little pieces of my soul that attach themselves to every piece I make, whether for me or someone else, a class or for fun, letting my identity and reputation to the world be known from possibly a single piece or pieces of art work that may or may not be deemed successful by me or anyone else... it's a scary and very vulnerable place to be. And yet people do this all the time, are put out there all the time, thrive on it even... and I know that's what I want to do. I want to communicate, I want to share and bring beauty to a dark world, whether that's through gallery art or making T-shirts for a youth group event, it's still sharing myself, letting myself be known and identified by what I make, good or bad, and knowing once it's out there it can't be returned to me....
It's like Holly says in the movie P.S. I Love You when she is explaining why she wants to make art:
"All I know is, if you don't figure out this something, you'll just stay ordinary, and it doesn't matter if its a work of art or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something... new, and there it is, and its you, out in the world, out side of you and you can look at it, or hear it, or read it, or feel it... and you know a little more about... you. A little bit more than anyone else does..."So anyway, if you have made it this far through all my ramblings, you maybe understand a tiny little bit of what's going on in my head, why art is so different than anything else i could be doing with my life, and why it is such a crazy and fun and scary process to actually become who I am. Of course, that's what we all are doing after all, isn't it?
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